Monday, October 1, 2012

One Year Later

One year ago today I moved out of the house FoxyJ and I had bought together and into a rented townhome. I was recovering from shingles at the time. We had been making plans to divorce for seven months, but hadn't told anyone until just a couple of weeks prior. The week after I moved out we filed our divorce papers and a week after that it was final.

We had been married for nearly ten years, so it was by no means an easy decision. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt FoxyJ or our children. I also didn't want to be the bad guy. I didn't want to be the kind of person who gets divorced--which is how I'm sure most people who get divorced feel. I wouldn't have been capable of making this decision if I believed there was any way for me to stay married without sacrificing my own happiness for the rest of my life. Despite all my fears and despite the fact that I am characteristically indecisive, from the time I told FoxyJ in February that I could no longer continue in our marriage to the time we separated, and then over the course of the past year, I have not questioned my decision. There are few things about my life that I claim to know, but this is one of them: I know that ending our marriage was the right decision for me.

I hope that it was the right decision for my children. Divorce is never ideal for children, but nor does it need to be the traumatic event that it is for some. FoxyJ and I have done our best to maintain a stable environment for our children free of conflict. I would like to believe that I am better capable of being a loving parent for my children now that I am in a position to be a healthier person. I hope that my children will always know that I love them, and that they will learn from my mistakes and my triumphs to make choices that will lead to their own happiness.

I would like to believe that in the long run our divorce will prove to be a good thing for FoxyJ. I admit that this desire is partly motivated by my need to see myself as someone who does not hurt others, but the fact is that I made a decision that hurt someone I love. I will have to live with that, but more importantly she will have to live with that. Whether or not she is better off without me, she has proven in the past year that she is capable of making the best of a difficult situation, and I am thankful for that. FoxyJ is a strong woman who will forge her own destiny.

As for me, I have no doubt that I am in a better place now than I was a year ago. I have been in two relationships and have learned a lot about myself in each. I also learned a lot about myself during the time that I was single. I'm in the process of learning what a healthy relationship looks like, and who I am in such a relationship. It would be a lie to say that leaving my straight marriage and starting a gay relationship has solved all my problems or to claim that I have a perfect life now, but I am genuinely happier, more fulfilled than I have ever been. I feel like I am more me than I have ever been.

And I like the me that I am, flaws and all.

I don't know what happens next, but apparently it's pretty exciting.

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