Evolution of Thought

A little over six years ago, Mr. Fob blogged about his feelings about his relationship with FoxyJ.  In this blog he shows growth in his understanding of the situation. In an essay he published while in college he stated being with a man or a woman was a “a choice between one's heart and one's libido.” An article written in a local newspaper used that quote in a story years later, causing him to reflect on his beliefs and decide that “The decision was no longer a simple one between love and sex.” The “evolution’’ in Mr. Fob’s thinking somewhat mirrors how my thinking has evolved over time. The rest of his post focuses on the reasons why he chose to stay married at the time. They were all fantastic reasons to stay married.  As a reader of this blog, you know how that eventually turned out.

I didn't enter marriage expecting it to end in divorce.
In time it became apparent that our lives were heading in different
 directions, and we decided to move on. It wasn't fun. Superman and
Lois have some tough times ahead. 

Reading Mr. Fob's post got me thinking back to a letter I wrote to some family members about why “Lois” and I  decided to get a divorce. I’d like to share some of it with you.

                 Lois is an amazing person. I love her, I enjoy spending time with her, I wanted to share my life with her.   Soon after we were married I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. The feelings were not going away, no matter how hard I fasted and prayed.  I ended up at that point in time talking with Lois about my feelings, and we talked to the local bishop for help.  Lois and I would both meet with him. I wouldn't have blamed Lois if she had left me at that point, but she stayed by my side, and tried to help me the best she could. I felt empty inside, and was afraid of hurting Lois. I put all my efforts into being the best husband, and eventually father I could be. I love being a Dad, I love making Lois happy. Working on projects together, having adventures- things were good. At the same time I always had an empty feeling inside. Every time I would have a stray thought I would beat myself up inside. In the end I hated myself for who I was. Several times I considered ending the marriage, but I couldn't bear the thought of hurting Lois and the kids, or letting everyone else down.

                Things came to a point where I was no longer happy with anything, and Lois could tell. She was feeling that she wasn’t performing the duties a wife should. Despite frequent moments of joy, celebrating our children’s successes, or our accomplishments together, I was unhappy with my life. The wear of it got to me and Lois both.  I felt that Lois deserved someone who could give her everything she needed and deserved, and I was failing to give her that.  At the same time when I considered ending the marriage, I couldn't bear the thought of hurting Lois and the kids, however I realized I was hurting them as I continued in the pattern of silent discontent and guilt-induced recommitment to stay. Over the past 10 years my faith in God has been tested, and at the moment I really don’t know where I stand in regards to religion. I do know that if I still believed God could “cure” me, I would have stayed. I no longer believe that. And really, it comes down to that. Lois and I saw our lives heading in different directions. We no longer had a common goal in mind, and felt we needed to move on. 

Move on we have. My feelings for Lois haven’t changed, though our relationship has. I must admit, over the last few weeks I have really missed Lois and the relationship we had. She was my best friend, in many ways she still is. In my own way I loved her, and still do. We spent nearly 10 years together, taking care of each other. We knew what each other needed without saying much of anything. With one glance we could communicate many things. I miss that part of our relationship. It is an odd feeling, on one hand feeling more fulfilled than I have ever felt, and on the other missing what I used to have. I am happier than I have been in a long time, I know that one day Mr. Fob and I can have the relationship I miss, but that takes time.  Time I am willing to invest.